It is said it is wise to set goals and promises to yourself on a full moon .. and well I have a few.
- To forget about what it means to be elite in today's society. That it is okay that I am not a student of one of the most prestigious universities in North America , it does not mean I am any less of an intelligent human being. Accept that I might have a different path that's suited to me and who I am as a person. A person who has an natural knack for helping and listening to others , not someone who only believes in power, money and status.
-To be constantly present. Weather Im making breakfast,eating,exercising,reading,putting my face,working and whatever it might be to actually focus in and just truly appreciating everything I'm doing for my mind and my body. I no longer want to treat being alive as a chore.
- To look in the mirror and exchange a criticism for a compliment. No comparing , no nit picking , just me being happy with what I have.
:) i love you full moon.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
When Did I Lose My Sexuality?
I don't know ... Well okay it started to deteriorate probably the same year i lost my virginity and almost if not completely diminished at some point this month. I'm pathetic... I MEAN I'M AN AMAZING and UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL(People say im too hard on myself.).
Jesus Christ I mean even when i was 8 years old i knew how to get off! I would think about Johnny Depp's face in the movie "Cry Baby" and under my school desk rub my legs together while I was busy writing the word because over and over on a lined sheet of paper. I had no idea what i was doing if i knew my actions were deemed as sexual i probably would of stopped. I wish i could remeber that feeling of just being purely conscious of what im feeling instead of well everything else. I feel like this past year i have done alot of healing on most channels of my health...except for a healthy sex life that is. I treat all my organs so well and have been brutally neglecting my sexual ones. I dont know why I have a certain stigma about orgasms in my head ..that only people that are happy with themselves inside and out have orgasms more a less deserve one. Well I hope to find one day that i can find some use out of my sexual organs LOL! Well i made a commitment to myself that ..eerrr.. I will start touching myself and watching porn. If i didnt know anybetter i would mistake myself for a boy who just hit puberty. But i need that back in my life....to ever feel fully alive again. SO joanna will you come to STAG XXX with me.
Love,
Kayla.
Jesus Christ I mean even when i was 8 years old i knew how to get off! I would think about Johnny Depp's face in the movie "Cry Baby" and under my school desk rub my legs together while I was busy writing the word because over and over on a lined sheet of paper. I had no idea what i was doing if i knew my actions were deemed as sexual i probably would of stopped. I wish i could remeber that feeling of just being purely conscious of what im feeling instead of well everything else. I feel like this past year i have done alot of healing on most channels of my health...except for a healthy sex life that is. I treat all my organs so well and have been brutally neglecting my sexual ones. I dont know why I have a certain stigma about orgasms in my head ..that only people that are happy with themselves inside and out have orgasms more a less deserve one. Well I hope to find one day that i can find some use out of my sexual organs LOL! Well i made a commitment to myself that ..eerrr.. I will start touching myself and watching porn. If i didnt know anybetter i would mistake myself for a boy who just hit puberty. But i need that back in my life....to ever feel fully alive again. SO joanna will you come to STAG XXX with me.
Love,
Kayla.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
This is long over due.
I want blogging to be a new form of meditation for myself..(YAY!I have completed a sentence without backspacing and attempting to start over!).
For the past month I have been quite zealous about healing process, clearing of my skin, ,being assertive ,looking better, making money,saving money,being skinny,perfecting my diet, trying to make Dan take care of himself and just loosing my mind in the process.
I have put so much energy into self improvement that i have not taken the time to digest my thoughts with accuracy. I have been brutally angry ,critical and judgmental of very living and non living thing that comes within my vision, hear with my ears and that flows through my mind.
I recognized my anger today and I learned I do not like that side of myself and I am going to do everything in my power to change to get back to the caring and understanding girl I once had the honor to breathe and live through.
I do not want to feel HATE its translates into hate for myself. I really had a difficult time writing most of these sentences I did do anything not to think about it like turn into a physical action like itch then lurk facebook for a bit then eventually breathe ..nice and slow.. then start typing theese thoughts that are going to help digest them properly by being present and which will ultimately ....and well ill find a word eventually but for now im off to bed to process more thoughts by dreaming :)
all my love.
For the past month I have been quite zealous about healing process, clearing of my skin, ,being assertive ,looking better, making money,saving money,being skinny,perfecting my diet, trying to make Dan take care of himself and just loosing my mind in the process.
I have put so much energy into self improvement that i have not taken the time to digest my thoughts with accuracy. I have been brutally angry ,critical and judgmental of very living and non living thing that comes within my vision, hear with my ears and that flows through my mind.
I recognized my anger today and I learned I do not like that side of myself and I am going to do everything in my power to change to get back to the caring and understanding girl I once had the honor to breathe and live through.
I do not want to feel HATE its translates into hate for myself. I really had a difficult time writing most of these sentences I did do anything not to think about it like turn into a physical action like itch then lurk facebook for a bit then eventually breathe ..nice and slow.. then start typing theese thoughts that are going to help digest them properly by being present and which will ultimately ....and well ill find a word eventually but for now im off to bed to process more thoughts by dreaming :)
all my love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)